there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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