Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
