How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
