Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
