Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
