I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize