i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
