Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
