My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize