she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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