Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
