I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
