im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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