i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
