my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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