I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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