Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
