Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
