the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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