um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
