I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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