The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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