i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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