Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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