i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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