and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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