i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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