she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My life is pants optional.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
