My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
