i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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