Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
