I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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