my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
