im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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