The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
