i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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