its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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