i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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