she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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