That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
