Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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