My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
