Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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