The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
