His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
