I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
