Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
