Life is so much better after having sex.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
