bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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