Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
