Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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