but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He has the fingertips of a God
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