How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
