so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
