I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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