My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
