Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
