Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
