I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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