Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
